When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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