I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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