she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
