Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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