I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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