I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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