omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
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If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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