new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
