I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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