wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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