I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
