She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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