the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
