just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
