I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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