just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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