This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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