i just wanna soil my oats bro
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize