i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
