i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just gargled with NyQuil
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
