"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
