I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
