I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
