On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
