I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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