I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
