She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
