I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
