fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
