I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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