the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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