I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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