I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she smelled like a LAN party
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
