I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
why is half of my head shaved?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
