I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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