no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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