I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
