I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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