i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
