Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
