Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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