We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
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It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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