i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
