Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
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i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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