hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
