I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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