dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
