the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
