Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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