Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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