I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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