you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
