I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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