I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
