My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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