your parents love me but you hate me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
